Redefining Athlete

I have never been an athlete. I have never felt like I could say I was an athlete. More than that, I never thought I could be an athlete. 

Growing up I always assumed athletes were born. It was part of our genetic makeup and my DNA just didn't have it. Sure, I enjoyed exercising and breaking a sweat, but nothing impressive. 

This summer I wanted to do more things that made me smile so I started running. Not because running made me smile, or at least I didn't think it could, but because being outside makes me smile. But then I laced up my shoes, woke up before the sun, and started running. In that moment my view on running changed. I loved being able to sing along to my jams or to take in the beauty around me in the silence that only comes with the rising sun. I kept running and running and running until last week I ran a 10K. I'm sure you are sick of my social media being filled with the race and aftermath, but I don't want to talk about my race. I want to talk about the past 5 days. 

People have been so supportive and great when they hear or realize my race was on Saturday. Lots of questions how it was and if I'm a "runner" now. For some reason that question, are you now a runner, made me shy away. I responded as if it were a chore, merely another exercise. I hesitated to admit I enjoyed it. 

WHY? 

That's not true!! 

I LOVE running. I LOVE it for so many different reasons. So why in the world would I make it seem like I didn't? I almost felt like I was back in junior high where you had to filter what you thought was cool to make sure you kept your friends. I thought I had gotten over the filtering my likes and hobbies, but clearly that's not true. 

Since that conversation and many others, I find myself doubting my love of running which has kept me off the road and kept me from doing what does so many positive things for me. When I run I am less stressed, I don't get tired in the middle of the day, my stomach isn't as sensitive, and I feel like I accomplished something great before most people even get out of bed. I miss that! 

The doubts and filtering I was doing wasn't because that person asked me if I was a runner. It was my deep seeded belief that I am not an athlete and could never be one. This is false. We all know that but now I have proved it wrong for myself. Sure I'm not what people think of when they think of a runner, which is probably another source of self doubt, but that doesn't diminish me or what I can do. 


I am stronger than I thought. I am an athlete. And I am a runner.

Rambling | Positive Energy

(I wrote this yesterday on my phone during my train ride home. Sorry if it is a bit scattered)

Today I was walking to the train station, something I do every day, and had an experience that kinda shocked me. An older man was behind me and made a comment about an inconsiderate driver. I turned and continued our conversation. As we were about to part ways he said, "ma'am, can I ask a favor? Will you continue to smile? It's such a beautiful smile."

In that moment I was so touched by this kind man's words. I walked toward the platform with tears in my eyes asking, why is it so hard to love yourself? To see the beauty that others see? 

We all have a beauty that is too frequently clouded by our negative thoughts. Those thoughts maybe conscious or you may not recognize the negativity until a stranger offers you a ray of light that clears the fog that has been lingering. 

That's how I feel. I no longer have very many conscious thoughts of self doubt or self loathing. But there seems to be enough subtle negativity that I forget who I am and that I am beautiful. 

The other lesson I walked away with is how quick I am to shut myself off. Usually while on a train or bus you avoid conversation and if you are unfortunate enough to sit by a talker, you shut it down. Fast. My question is why? Everyone has their own reasons I'm sure, but I couldn't think of mine. Unlike some, I love people. I recharge my battery by being around and being involved with people. If I'm having a crappy day I can't sit and watch Netflix or read to feel better. I have to get up and engage in some sort of personal interaction. (Although a good night in with Netflix and a cozy blanket is always appealing.) So knowing that about myself, why deny myself the chance to gain more energy? Why deny myself a chance to connect with someone who could become the highlight of my day? 

Writing things out makes me realize that my current habits may not be the best for me. Such as making myself unavailable for random conversation or consuming large amounts of social media that alter my expectations of "normal". For a quick example, I have a guilty pleasure that seems to be shared with only 12 year old girls. YouTube videos. Lifestyle and beauty YouTube videos to be more exact. Now, there is nothing wrong if that is your thing that helps you recharge your positive energy. But for me, it sucks it out. 

The majority of the people I watch are introverted which means that being by themselves, eating donuts, and taking a bath helps them walk away filled with positive energy. Tidbit about me, I don't enjoy being by myself for long periods of time, sugar makes me grumpy (which SUCKS because I have the biggest sweet tooth), and think taking a bath is a waste of my time. But watching them talk about all these things that make them happy makes me doubt myself. Perhaps I should try that way out and I'll be happier! And then a few days later when I'm being a grumpy gus towards Jake, I remember that I'm not those people on YouTube! And that's not bad or wrong. It doesn't make me an attention seeker or obnoxious. It doesn't mean I should change my energy source or who I am. It just means I am an extrovert and they may not be. 
 

Near the beginning of July, I wrote down the top 5 things that make me happy, make me fill full of positive energy, and help me stay close to my true self.  Did you know that's why I started running? Since implementing that one activity, which crosses off 3 of the 5 things, sometimes 4, I have noticed a huge difference. So I want to ask, what are 5 things that help you recharge your positive energy? Help you feel happy, truly happy? Now compare that list with what your life consists of today and then adjust. 
 

I have been more aware of my energy sources since thinking this way and it has helped me constantly adjust my life to line up with those 5 things. When I forget, I can tell based on my behavior and how I feel. The best part is that I have the power to stop, realign, and move forward! 

I'm grateful for a chance to learn new things about myself and continue to grow and evolve.

You're Doing Okay

From age 5 to age 18 we are put into a group of people who become our classmates.  If you are like me and never moved, you've been with some of the same people for all 13 years. Although you may have never had a conversation with them, you knew what they were like in elementary school and you saw their oddness turn into greatness once their niche was found. And then they find a new niche and they change. And you watch all of this finding it fascinating and wondering what's wrong with you because you never found a niche.  Okay, maybe it was just me who noticed those things and it's not common for people to creep on others from afar. I'm just an observant person I suppose. Or a creeper. Whateves.

Anyway, after 13 years you graduate and move on.  With the help of Facebook, it keeps that observation still an option. You see them go off to college, battle some unknown demon that has made them seem sad/different/angry online, and come out stronger and glowing because of what they have learned. All of this without speaking a single word to them. They don't know how proud of them you are. They don't know how often you think of them when you struggle. They don't know the impact they have had, simply because you followed them along their journey of finding themselves. 

Here is the thing. I find myself looking at those I've "known" for 17ish years and think they are amazing to have gone through whatever it is and come out a better person. Or I read a recent blog post where they admit to having a hard time fighting some new demon and my heart hurts for them. But then I realize I've had the same thoughts and been through similar problems and I like to think I'm better for it. So maybe their heartache isn't terrible! But then I see them give up. I see them think there is something wrong with them. I see them think less of themselves. And this is for you. You who think you are alone in your feelings and experiences. 

When I graduated high school and moved to Orem, I was struggling with demons I didn't even know I had. Self-hatred, self-doubt, insecurities, anxiety, depression, general sense of emptiness, etc. These are emotions I went through alone. Well, not alone because I always had the Holy Ghost with me. Even when I was mad at Heavenly Father or not doing what I was supposed to, I knew I could go back and feel better, feel hope. 

Anyway, the first year on my own was a blur. A blur filled with all of the emotions listed above. I struggled in school for the first time in my life and it was mostly out of pure lack of motivation and allowing the negative voices in my head win. School was a failure. So I felt like a failure.

Parts of the second year were blissful and such a sunny place in my mind. I had the best summer and was finally making friends and feeling comfortable. (shout out to you Shaila, Carli, Jolie, Ally, and so many more) While the happiness went on, it was quite superficial. I was still having daily struggles with the negativity that seemed to bombard me.

The third year I tried so hard to keep up the happiness even though it was fading. I was struggling with hating myself and struggling to be liked.  I wanted to go on a mission because I could now and I wasn't doing anything else really.Then I moved home, got a job that was toxic, and continued to dislike myself. The blur continued. 

Then I had a wake up call. I got fired, moved back to Orem, and felt completely alone. At some point in the blur I, intentionally and unintentionally, cut ties. I didn't want to be hurt. I didn't think I deserved friendship. I isolated myself. At this point, I didn't have much. But I had a testimony. I had a family who loved me. And I had a few angels who, despite my pushing and resistance, stayed around and brought me flowers when I needed it most. While I tried to revive some old friendships, they didn't work out for various reasons. 

Then I made new friends, had another great summer but the summer ended and we went our separate ways. I moved apartments, started a new job and decided I didn't want to make friends. This was a time of healing. I was alone a lot, I listened to my heart and mind, and I got to know who I really was. I slowly found happiness that was deeper than those things going on around me or the people I was with. It was no longer superficial. I was finally happy with myself, where I was going, and even though I didn't know everything, I gave in to faith and found a true peace. Once that was found, my life made sense, I found my way back to myself and ended up where I am today.

I didn't tell this to you to rehash my past or talk about me really. I actually don't know why I went into my blurred years. I guess I brought this up for you. Those who helped me along the way. Those who I stalked (or still stalk) on the blog, Facebook, or any other social media platform. I read your stories and my heart aches. I read how you're struggling today or yesterday or a month ago and I want to tell you it will be okay because I felt the exact same way. I don't want you to give up. I want you to remember one thing: 

You're doing okay. Keep going. Don't give up. We are all doing okay. 

While we may look at others and wonder why they have their crap together and we don't, it's okay. We all go through the same type of experiences. They may be at different times, they may have different outcomes, but we are all growing and trying to find who we are. 

In a way I also wanted to use this as a way to apologize to those in my life I cut off, mistreated, or shoved aside during the past four years. I had a friend who said I was selfish. At the time I got defensive and justified my behavior. But oh how right she was. I was so selfish and focused on myself that I treated those around me poorly. I'm so sorry. 

I see now that the way of finding yourself isn't done by treating others like crap and putting yourself and your wants first. It's about being patient, being quiet with your mind, put your needs first, and while you may need to take time to be secluded, it doesn't give you a pass for treating people poorly.

So again, I'm sorry. And thank you for always giving me another chance. 

Bliss

Today I have had a surge of happiness in my blood. It is quite the change from last night when I wanted to be left alone to fold laundry and pout. (Just ask Jake, I was being quite hormonal)

Something about me, most of you know this, is that I am very emotional. Now I feel like being emotional has turned into having a negative connotation, one that I'm not a fan of.

Do I cry in Lion King? Yes.
Do I get cranky when it's too hot? Yes.
Can my mood change in an instant? They sure can.

But when I feel any emotion I feel it deeply. So deeply that it takes over my whole being. I've had to learn how to cope when I feel a negative emotion so it doesn't consume me. Through the years I've become a master at knowing how far to let an emotion envelop me.

When I'm happy, when I feel positivity coursing through my vessels* I don't stop it. I don't harness the feeling. I let them wash over me and have the powerful effect that emotions have. It's the same with love. When I love something or someone I can't help but feel like exploding. There was a time in my life that I held back. I was afraid of giving myself a chance to feel an emotion because I didn't know I could control them. But then I realized that's no way to live a life. So I let go.

I remember a moment distinctly that I decided to put my whole heart into my life. I read this:

Up until then I don't think I realized I was living with half a heart. I was embarrassed to feel, laugh, cry, and love. I didn't want to ask for help. The next night Jenner and I went out for some late night hot chocolate and I shared with him my new found information. I told him that's how I was going to live from now on. And I did. And that's been the best decision I've made in regards to my view on life.

*(I didn't use veins or arteries because I just finished anatomy and know that whatever is in my blood goes through both types of vessels and so much more. So I chose the general term. And yes, I've sold my soul to anatomy and using proper anatomic nomenclature. ;) ) 

This morning I woke up early, enjoyed laying in bed next to the human I love more than anything, took in the beautiful weather while waiting for the train, smiled to the stranger next me, and was grateful for the fact it's not dark when I walk to work anymore. When you fill your life with positive things and focus on what's good rather than what's bad, your day is 2948 times more enjoyable.

During the next month I'm going to do an experiment. I am going to love myself. After my morning prayers I am going to say a daily affirmation about how great I am. (Did I even say that right? Oh well, you know what I mean) This isn't to promote conceit or pride but to work on undoing the years of self-hate I learned at such a young age.

Stay positive and look for the silver lining.

Spring Break 2015

Last week was spring break for us and it was a doozy, in many different ways. 

Monday night I had a seizure. If you aren't aware, I was diagnosed with epilepsy in January 2013. It changed everything and not as much as you would think at the same time. Up until Monday, I have only had breakthrough seizures twice--all have come from a lack of medicine. The first time I was convinced it wasn't really epilepsy and so I stopped taking my medicine. That didn't last long. The second time I had missed a day and a half of medicine due to my forgetfulness. This time I had put off picking up my prescription. We picked it up Monday night and instead of taking some right when I got it, I forgot and had a seizure later that night. Luckily I was on the bed so I didn't fall this time and it didn't last long thanks to a faithful husband who gave me a blessing. I am so grateful to have a worthy priesthood holder in my home and I hope to never take that for granted. When I have a seizure, it changes things for awhile. My memory is fuzzy, I can't drive for 3 months, and I am overly cautious with any nausea or headache. I am grateful that my body responds so well to the medication and look forward to the day I'm a grown up and actually take what works instead of take it for granted.

Tuesday was spent recuperating and some anatomy review for the upcoming final. Wednesday, after Jake worked half a day and I spent some more time with the anatomy lab, we packed up our car, took our fancy bikes, and headed down to St. George! The ride was super fun and we filled our time with ABC animal games and 20 questions. We went out to dinner with my Grandma Bainum that night and then headed to the St. George temple. What a beautiful way to spend a beautiful evening. 

Thursday we woke up early and realized that we had 6-7 fraudulent hotel charges on our debit card. We spent some time at the credit union closing down our cards and doing some paper work. Yay for dishonest people! Luckily we were able to stop the charges before they went through. After picking up some lunch essentials, we went to Snow Canyon for some quality hiking time and a quick bike ride. I took the easy way and sent Jake back up the hill to get the car. ;) All the fun and none of the pain. After some more fun in the sun we headed back up north. It was a quick trip, but we had such a good time! 

That night started the official planning for our epic weekend. We met up with Megan and Kendall to plan our strategy for the Cotopaxi Questival. What is that? Well I could explain it to you, but instead here is a link. That's how we spent our Friday and Saturday of our spring break! Here is our website that collected all of our submissions of the challenges. Enjoy. It lists the submissions from newest to oldest so the first few you'll see will be at the end of the 24 hours that had 3 hours of sleep and lots of craziness. You'll be able to tell. Promise.  

After such an eventful week I feel like I need another spring break to recover. Instead we have two weeks until finals and then the semester is over! That's okay. We don't mind staying busy :)

Questival Madness!

Jake and I have been on a crazy ride the past 12 hours and it's just going to get crazier! 

# 3 5

General Conference:  A semiannual gathering of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. During general conference weekend, Church members and others gather worldwide in a series of two-hour sessions to receive inspiration and instruction from Church leaders. Source. 

The messages that are shared are inspired and of God which we learn in D&C 1:38 when He says, “whether by mine own voice or by the voice of my servants, it is the same”. I know that when the prophet, apostles, relief society president, and any other church leader stands at the pulpit at general conference, they are delivering the messages that God would share with us if He were here today. 

To help me prepare for the big weekend in April, today I’m going to start on #35 from my 101 in 1001 list. My goal is to read a general conference talk every day for the next month.  I specifically chose to read them instead of listen to them.  While I enjoy listening to general conference talks and still get a lot out of them, I can tell a difference in retention of the message and the spirit that is felt compared to reading it. My guess is that the difference is because when you are listening to it you can be thinking/doing 100 other things.  When you sit down and read a talk, you give it your full attention. 

I am excited to start this and share with you the things I learn along the way! 

2 / 12

I realized that I’m obsessive.  First it was Whole30, now it is anatomy.  I fixate on the one thing that is taking up most of my brain and I talk about it nonstop. #sorrynotsorry

Here are some things I’ve learned the first two months of 2015:

+ Eating clean food for 30 days is rough but so worth it.  I must’ve talked/complained about it a lot because there are a few people at work who have embarked on the journey after hearing my nonstop chatter.

 + Ice cream and fries are my stress craving. Hello Oreo malt, nice to meet you.

 + My brain can hold a lot of information at once. When you are taking anatomy at UVU (and yes, UVU is much different than the other anatomy programs. Promise) you are required to memorize a ridiculous amount of material.  Don’t believe me? Well I’ll show you my textbook and then maybe you’ll shut up about how easy this class is. (I’m talking to you girl in my psychology class) Let me complain some more, it’s hard.

 + Showering and getting ready for the day have become a rare occurrence.  So rare that today I’ve had four different people ask if I changed my hair.  Here’s my secret:  shampoo.

 + 8 year olds are a blast and a handful all in one. I have to hold myself back to not be irreverent alongside them.  Last week I failed and couldn’t stop giggling.

 + My husband is a champ. He got accepted into BYU! We are very excited and I’m so proud of him.  Also, he deserves a trophy for being my rock and my sanity.

 + Don’t plan a vacation until you get your husband on your side and there are no variables in play, or you’ll be disappointed.  I had this great plan to go on a cruise at the end of the semester and once Jake was warming up to the idea, he became a BYU student and has stupid spring term. Don’t worry, I’ll be on a mental vacation that week recovering from finals.

 + My midterm is on Saturday. Pro:  means I’m more than half way done with the semester.  Con: I have to take my midterm.

 + Laundry can stay in baskets a long time. If you throw your shirt in the dryer with an ice cube for a few seconds you can’t even tell that the shirt has been in said basket for weeks. #notimeforlaundry

 + Bones, muscles, joints, eyeball, ear, muscles, heart, nerves, brain, and how to get the cadaver smell out of your clothes.

 + I thought that our date nights would stop being filled with the grocery store once the Whole30 was over, but that’s still how it goes.  And guess what? It’s the best date night ever.

 + Living with your best friend is the best thing.  Except when they torture you with freezing feet, constantly scare you, and push you off the bed.  JK.  Even those things are a part of the best thing.

 + Things that force you out of your comfort zone change you.  Anatomy and the Whole30 have shown me that.  I have decided that as much as it’s a love/hate relationship, I’m going to continue this trend.  I’ll be taking a hip hop class this summer.  Dancing and I are not friends. I feel self-conscious and uncomfortable. So I’m going to do it.  YAY.

+ When the stress of life gets to you and you forget that you are beautiful, work selfies are totally acceptable to remind yourself that you're a babe.   

The Post-Whole30 Truth

The past 10 days have been spent reintroducing foods into our diet with a side of school related stress.  I've learned quite a bit, some pleasant, most unpleasant.  Here's the truth.

+ When you do the Whole30, prepare to never enjoy your favorite treats or foods again.  Our first reintroduction was dairy--chocolate, cheese, and ice cream.  This was a pleasant surprise because I was able to enjoy just a small amount of each and nothing negative happened. Plus they were delicious. We then did gluten with some doughnuts.  This was terrible. I had a headache all day, stomach was bloated, and it was definitely not worth it.  The legumes didn't have much effect but I only reintroduced peanuts because I don't like beans. We had non-gluten grains and they made me bloated too. Anyway. This was all a long precursor to what I wanted to talk about.  Last night for Valentines Day we went and had pizza, which was always my favorite. The first few bites were amazing, but after a few bites in, the crust was way too chewy and I just wanted the meat off the top. After two pieces I was done and felt like I ate a whole pizza. This morning, it's miserable. My poor stomach.  So watch out, your favorite foods will never be the same.

Valentines Day

"One word frees us of all the weight and pain of life: That word is love." 
― Sophocles

All Things End

30 days.

1/3 of a school semester.

It flies by but feels like forever.

And it’s enough time to change how you see so many things.

Our Temple Square picture before Christmas and before the Whole30

Was it worth it? 

Yes.  Even though I complained a lot and it was hard at times, I am so grateful we did it. Our bodies are such an amazing gift from our Heavenly Father and when you treat it as such, it gives you amazing things back. With the craziness of this semester, I’m so grateful for my energy and focus that have both been heightened. Jake and I were sick a lot before, just small things, but haven’t had a sign of any sickness at all since we started.

What is your best piece of advice? 

Stick with it. Make a commitment to yourself. Talk about it. Have a buddy.
I realized that accountability is hard when you are only being accountable to yourself.  Maybe internal accountability is hard for only me, but it is now something I hope to master in the future. But for now, where I’m at, it was critical for me to have talked about it and be accountable to Jake, my blog readers, and every other human I told (which was basically everyone). Having Jake was also a huge blessing. He is so supportive and was my voice of reason when I just wanted a greasy piece of pizza just for the fact it was Friday.

Did you get anything out of it? 

I got more out of it than I expected—and I had done this (sorta) before. My skin has been clearer, my focus and energy are through the roof, no more sugar cravings or afternoon slumps, my monthly cramps were much less noticeable, I now consider myself a great cook, and I lost 14 pounds. So that’s pretty cool. The most important thing I got out of it was not one of the physical benefits, but rather a mental one. I showed myself that I can reach goals I set. This has never happened. It is empowering to know that I’m not immune to the statement, “if you can believe it, you can achieve it”. This new empowerment has been priceless through this semester of school. With something so challenging, it’s nice to know that I can do anything I put my mind to—even getting an A in anatomy.

Was it expensive? 

Yes it was. Our grocery bill went up a lot. On the flip side we didn’t spend anything on eating out, our entertainment budget was hardly used, and with the low gas prices, we had over budgeted for that. With all those considerations, we didn’t go over our outlined budget at all. Sure the categories were off, but the same amount of money was spent. My goal is to learn how to eat healthy while staying frugal. Coupon party anyone?

Did it take a lot of time? 

It felt like all we did was school, work, and something Whole30 related—grocery shopping, cooking, washing the endless piles of dishes, eating, or complaining. So yes, it took a lot of time. But again, we just allocated our time and prioritized. Sure we have piles and piles of laundry, but at least we are eating healthy!

What now? 

Now we reintroduce foods. We won’t be getting a pizza with extra cheese and ice cream on the side. We put in a lot of time and effort into this that we want to do it right. The point of this part it to help us find the foods that bring the inflammation back so we can eliminate them from our diet and move forward. The last 30 days we have been on training wheels and relied on what we were told to eat and what not to eat. This part we become our own experiments. Today, day 31, we reintroduce dairy. So we had cheese in our eggs, will have some cheese with lunch, and a bowl of ice cream after dinner. You are to eat something from that food group with every meal. I didn’t try yogurt or milk because I already know my body isn’t a big fan of dairy. Jake is trying both since he loves milk. Then for the next two days we go back to eating the Whole30 way. This is to allow our body to react to dairy without other factors at play. Based on how we feel we decide what’s worth keeping in our daily diet, what should be an occasional guest, and what will be avoided completely. We do gluten Saturday, legumes Tuesday, and non-gluten grains Friday.

bright and early before work on our day 31! 

Let me know if you guys have any questions or need a support buddy! I’d love to help you or put burning questions to rest. Now that I’ve Whole30-ed you out, I’ll move on to other things in future posts.  

Not Pregnant, just Whole30-ing

GUYS.

I have to apologize. If you have spent any time around me the past 26 days, I’ve talked nonstop about food. So much so I’m concerned people think I’m pregnant. (I’m not) But guess what? That seems to happen when you do something that is hard and you are actually following through with it! Here’s the deal, it’s been hard and I’ve had a lot of complaining moments. But when it comes down to it, I’m so dang proud of myself. In the past I’ve always been able to talk myself into giving up on a goal, whatever that goal was.  This is showing me that I’m strong and capable of following through on commitments to myself. And that I deserve that commitment!

Jake and I have less than a week left on the Whole30 and it’s been quite the experience.  I thought I’d share our top 5 favorite recipes we have found along the way! These recipes were so good that I would have eaten them even if I wasn’t doing the Whole30.  Try them out and let me know what you think!

Thai Curry Chicken -- We both love Thai curry but could live without Indian curry. I was excited when I found this recipe! We took a trip up to Whole Foods in Draper because I had received a gift card for Christmas from my sister-in-law. While we were there we found a green curry paste that didn’t have sugar! We cooked this up last night and it was DELISH. Jake and I decided we’d probably add some more curry paste (we did the full 2 T and could’ve handled more) and more coconut milk to get more sauce out of the recipe. We didn’t include the kabocha squash cause I had no idea what that was and Jake isn’t a big squash fan. We served over cauliflower rice (which was surprisingly good) and it was the perfect, filling meal. Def a repeat. 

 Pizza Spaghetti Pie -- Over the weekend Jake and I took a trip up to Idaho for my cousin’s mission farewell.  We decided to make this as our meal for the whole weekend. After that we are burnt out of the recipe, but up until we ate it 7 times in a row, it was a favorite! The squash tricks your mind into thinking you are eating cheesy lasagna/pizza concontion. It was super tasty. The hardest part of this recipe was finding sugar free pizza sauce and Italian sausage—luckily we found some at Whole Foods during our field trip. You can add anything you like on your pizza, we did olives and green peppers--both were great additions. (PS. Whole Foods is freaking expensive. No wonder they put it up in swanky Draper. ;) ) 

 Buffalo Ranch Stuffed Peppers -- These are fab. I wouldn’t change a thing. I found them the first time I did this and have made them while I wasn't on the Whole30. I’m not crafty so I've never carved out the pumpkin faces, but man. So good. 

 Balsamic Glazed Steak Rolls -- I mentioned in my last post that we have been having people over for Sunday dinners.  We made this recipe for his dad and stepmom. It was so tasty! The steak was a tad bit rare for our taste so we did have to cook it longer. For the glaze, I replaced the brown sugar with unsweetened apple sauce and I had to make our own Worcestershire sauce because they all have sugar. It turned out super yummy, just a lot of work. 

 Paleo Chick-Fil-A Nuggets -- Jake loves Chick-Fil-A nuggets. I know his order and it’s always the nuggets. (remember when he picked that for his last meal?) Well one night we were stressed and bugged with the restrictions so we decided to make this! It was fabulous. We added some cooked potatoes and sugar free ketchup (another Whole Foods find). Heaven. Although the tapioca flour did do a weird thing where it was stringy while cooking and afterward—I don’t know why, but it wasn’t enough to make them gross because it was still crispy. And they tasted pretty dang close to the real thing. Minus the yummy chocolate chip cookies. (you haven’t tried their cookies? Well you should. They are divine.)

Now a non-food related thing--I crossed something off my list last week! On campus we have a new building and it includes a bowling alley. Last Tuesday Jake and I went for a spontaneous game after class. It was so lovely and the perfect break from the stress of the semester. (Yes, I know it's only a month in.) The first game I got 98! 2 away from #11 on my 101 in 1001 list! So we paid another $2 for a second game.  I broke it!  I scored 115. The best I've ever done! It was a blast and I'm so grateful for the hunk who suggested the idea.

 

Whole 30 Update

In the past 12 days I have learned a lot. The main one is that 12 days can feel like 45 days, especially when you are doing the Whole 30 and trying to memorize all the things for Anatomy. 

As mentioned in the below post, Jake and I are doing the Whole 30.  We started on January 4 and it's been a roller coaster.  I read an article today that pretty much summed up our experience.  You see, doing the Whole 30 is like death. Okay, not really, but it sure feels like it. 

(side note. last time I did this I posted a quote from the people who started the whole thing about how it's not hard and they said birthing a baby is hard and I believed them but now I think they are crazy because this is way harder than they make it seem and I've never had a baby, but I'm sure they are comparable. #runonsentencesftw #probablynotcomparable) 

Anyway. That article. It was about the 5 stages of grief.  And I'm pretty sure Jake and I went through every. single. stage. in one day. And then we went through it again the next day.  Since then we've settled comfortably in the acceptance phase. The folks at the Whole 30 provided us with this timeline, which is pretty accurate but they forgot the grief. What are the 5 stages of grief?  Well lucky you I have a psychology class this semester and can tell you all about it! (Half lie. I got this from Wikipedia. Although I am taking that class.) 

1. Denial. "The person is trying to shut out the reality or magnitude of his/her situation, and begins to develop a false, preferable reality." This stage happened the first day but it started prematurely when we were talking ourselves into this crazy thing. Our false, preferable reality was that it'd be easy, especially since we are back in school and that means we have a routine, and that the 30 days would whiz right by and we'd be able to eat our homemade chocolate chip cookies before we knew it. Just read my previous post!! I sounded like a sales person because I was so pumped. 

2. Anger.  "Why me? It's not fair!"; "How can this happen to me?"; '"Who is to blame?" A few days into it, I was pissed.  I was mad that I couldn't eat what I wanted and that some people I didn't even know were telling me what I could and couldn't eat! I was so angry I was brought to tears on the chair. Jake was in the other room and sent articles to my phone about people who had done the program before and their feelings and results. It made me even more upset! Why do we have to do this while everyone else is enjoying their free PB&J from institute?!

3. Bargaining. "The third stage involves the hope that the individual can somehow undo or avoid a cause of grief".  This happened multiple times over a few days. One time in particular we were sitting outside Costco and we were both irritable and grumpy. Then, slowly, my brain got me thinking. "You can still get benefits from doing this 6 out of the 7 days." "Remember that study that you read that said you have to eat chocolate to help your heart?" "What about that study where eating an unhealthy meal actually helps your body?"  I vocalized some of my bargaining, trying to convince Jake that it was totally fine to get pizza that night since a cheat meal is always a good idea. He said let's at least finish this week up and then we'll decided.  Another night he was behind the bargaining.  "Ike (our econ professor with biceps bigger than my head) eats doughnuts once a week and he's huge!" "I just want to eat ice cream while we watch a movie, it can't be that bad?" "Even cocaine addicts can't come right off, they need a lower dose.  Why can't we do that?" I suggested we used the cantaloupe as our lower dose drug and if we still wanted ice cream, we could go get it.  Well the cantaloupe worked and we didn't get ice cream.  As you can tell, this was the longest and HARDEST to get through. Holy cow. It took so much self control.  

4. Depression. "It is natural to feel sadness, regret, fear, and uncertainty when going through this stage. Feeling those emotions shows that the person has begun to accept the situation." After showing our great self control, you better believe I fell into the 4 stage of grief.  I knew we were in it for real since none of our bargaining worked, plus we seemed to have our weak moments and different times and we are both stubborn in not letting the other person quit, I knew I was going to do this for the 30 days. I cried over my spaghetti squash and gross chicken breast. Jake had a moment too but he's much less dramatic than I am. 

5. Acceptance. "This typically comes with a calm, retrospective view for the individual, and a stable mindset." After the night of the ice cream vs. cantaloupe showdown, I woke up without thinking much about those foods I couldn't eat. Jake seemed to be better as well.  It seemed that the crazy had settled down and we definitely more stable.  Since then it has been easier. Not easy, but easier. I haven't had any huge cravings and every time I do I realize it doesn't sound good, it's just what has always been expected.  Hello movie theater popcorn. I sure hope the next 18 days aren't as hard as the first week. Also, Jake did a great job grocery shopping while I was studying! Remember that picture of the Chick-Fil-A? Well here is his latest picture and this is a pretty accurate description of the past 12 days: 

The first week made me realize how much our bodies (and our minds) love and expect certain types of food. It also made me realize that I do have willpower and I can tell my mind to shut up and do what I tell it to.  It's refreshing to realize how powerful your body is and you aren't forced to eat anything. You can tell it no. It's hard. It's not fun. But the outcome always seems to be worth it.  On my day of depressions and bargaining I posted on a Facebook support group about my woes.  Someone posted a quote that made me stop trying to think of excuses to quit. 

Life begins at the end of your comfort zone

I hope you are all having a lovely time with your resolutions and may I say that I really believe in that quote. When we step outside our comfort zone, we'll be surprised by what awaits us.

It Starts with Food

Last summer I discovered the Whole30 through another blogger and started mine that August. The Whole30 is a program where you only eat certain food for 30 days.  In that time you learn about yourself, your body, and how much the food you eat really affects you.  After I did mine in August I realized that dairy and most gluten hurt my stomach pretty bad so I would rarely eat them. My relationship with food, which had been pretty toxic up until that point, was changed drastically and the things I learned are still with me today.

So why are foods removed from your diet for 30 days?  I will let those who created the program explain it:

Certain food groups (like sugar, grains, dairy and legumes) could be having a negative impact on your health and fitness without you even realizing it.

Strip them from your diet completely. Cut out all the psychologically unhealthy, hormone-unbalancing, gut-disrupting, inflammatory food groups for a full 30 days. Let your body heal and recover from whatever effects those foods may be causing. Push the “reset” button with your metabolism, systemic inflammation, and the downstream effects of the food choices you’ve been making. Learn once and for all how the foods you’ve been eating are actually affecting your day to day life, and your long term health. Source.

After those 30 days you reintroduce the foods you've been avoiding back into your diet to see how your body responds. If you don’t have any negative effects, you can put them back into your diet.  This is a way to listen to your body and give it the nutrition that it needs.  The issue I have with so many “diets” today is that it is all the same. There is no customization, they assume your body acts the same as everyone else, and they have long term constrictions on what you eat.  If I told you not to think of pink elephants, that is the first thing you would think.  That’s how diets work. They tell you don’t you dare eat carbs. And what does your body want? It wants every last thing on the Olive Garden menu.

This is not a program for weight loss, while that may be a side effect. This is a program so you may know what foods your body needs to function properly and stay healthy.  My sister Megan was diagnosed with Hashimoto's recently and it has changed her life. She use to say that she had the energy of an 80 year old but once she realized what foods trigger the negative effects in her body and omitted those, she no longer feels as if she is 60 years older.  

It Starts with Food is the book that goes into the science, the details, and the why they have set the restrictions they have for that 30 day “reset”. As I was reading about hormones and how they react as well as having them explain the psychological effects that food has, it all resonated with me. I hadn’t read the book the first time, but when I read it a few months ago, I become passionate about it and how much sense it makes.  Since finishing the book I convinced Jake to read it to help him understand my crazy talk and my desire to do a Whole30 again, but this time with all of the new information I learned in the book. 

He read it and has agreed to do the Whole30 with me!  We have had a lot of good conversations about health and nutrition and how confusing the industry is today. In midst of the confusion, this program made sense to both of us.  One of my favorite things is that Melissa and Dallas (the authors of the book) provide all the information you need for free. Sure, if you want more details it’s a good idea to buy the book, but it’s all provided in a condensed version on their website, whole30.com. 

Anyway, now that I officially sound like an infomercial, we started today! For the next 30 days we will be taking foods out of our diet that are “psychologically unhealthy, hormone-unbalancing, gut-disrupting, and inflammatory”.  We will be eating meat, seafood, eggs, vegetables, fruit, and good fats. It’s going to be hard because food has been designed to be a drug (uhm, hello candy bowl) and we go through a similar detox process. 

I’ll be posting lots about it on here, but from here on out I promise I’ll steer clear from the “I sponsor this program” language. :)

Until next time.

 I’ll leave you with a picture of my love with his love and last meal—oh Chick-Fil-A. 

The old list

This weekend I had a friend ask me about my old 101 in 1001 list.  Apparently my desire to put my life in a stranger's hands intrigued her to the type of person I was. ;)  Anyway, to make things a tad bit simplier, and for a good laugh, here is my old list!  I've talked to Jake and we've talked about making one together but with school starting tomorrow that may be awhile.  Until then, maybe I'll see how many I can complete in the year and a half left.

101 in 1001||

{101 in 1001}

beginning date: August 15, 2013

ending date: May 12, 2016

bold italics = in the process of completing

strikethrough = completed

red = failed.

1. eat four exotic fruits

2. don't eat out for a month

3. attend a session of general conference

4. visit washington

5. fall in love

6. attend my 5 year high school reunion

7. find my signature lipstick

8. immortalize my name in wet cement

9. say yes for an entire day

10. graduate college

11. break 100 in bowling

12. take a pottery class

13. skinny dip in the ocean

14. kiss someone in a gazebo

15. write a letter to the 2 most influential people in your life at the moment

16. collect 50 quotes that inspire me

17. read all the books I currently own

18. record all 101 goals with pictures to create a memory book [2/101]

19. memorize 20 scriptures

20. pick strawberries/raspberries

21. plan a trip on magical-mystery-tours.com

22. keep a plant alive for all 1001 days

23. vote

24. rent a puppy for a day

25. read the entire bible

26. attend institute for a whole semester

27. ask for a guy’s number

28. pick my own pumpkin from a pumpkin patch

29. use money from completing tasks to go on a trip

30. visit 5 new states

31. personal

32. learn 10 new recipes

33. learn another language

34. write a letter to my future husband

35. read a general conference talk every day for a month

36. watch the sunrise and sunset with the same person on the same day

37. put $5 into a 101 in 1001 jar every time a task is completed

38. see a double feature

39. put together a piece of ikea furniture

40. find 5 hidden parks

41. fly a kite

42. hold a newborn baby

43. give out 2 copies of the book of mormon

44. build a fort and spend the night in it

45. reread the book of mormon

46. do baptisms in every utah temple

47. visit the spiral jetty

48. send flowers to someone anonymously

49. stretch every day for one month

50. make homemade candles

51. hike timp

52. be on the dean's list

53. learn to french braid

54. don't complain about anything for a week

55. finish a 1000 piece puzzle

56. visit a place that is iconic in the movies

57. get a passport

58. create a piece of art and hang it in my room 

59. reconnect with someone I've lost touch with

60. pay for someone's groceries

61. be seizure free

62. visit 5 museums [1/5]

63. keep a "my day in six words" journal for 30 days

64. attend a convert baptism

65. complete "50 questions that will free your mind" 

66. swim in a lake at midnight

67. make a 72 hour kit for the single life

68. go a whole weekend unplugged

69. have a birthday kiss

70. go to a Denver Broncos game

71. leave a 100% tip

72. camp at Havasupai

73. make a dramatic change to hair

74. become a true wolverine

75. purchase hunter boots

76. send a message in a bottle

77. fill up an entire coloring book

78. go on a motorcycle ride with a stranger

79. be able to play 25 hymns on the piano

80. go to wizarding world of harry potter

81. purchase a vacuum

82. go on a blind date

83. go on a hot air balloon ride

84. wear a different outfit every day for 30 days

85. figure out my career

86. 3 dates in one night

87. say good-bye to my baby brother when he leaves on his mission

88. buy a car (and keep it this time!)

89. write a letter to all four siblings and send

90. build a sand castle

91. go snowboarding

92. complete the whole 30 challenge

93. go one day without shoes

94. live somewhere random/unexpected for a summer

95. leave an inspiring note for a stranger in a book

96. attend & purchase fresh food at a farmers market

97. read all the books on my current list

98. go one month without facebook

99. plant a tree

100. have 3 stamps on new passport

101. write a new 101 in 1001 list

The love story

After writing in my blog earlier this week, I realized that I missed it! It’s so nice to write out thoughts and keep a journal that doesn’t take hours to update and results in a sore hand. (Oh the good days when I could write 10 page notes to friends without breaking a sweat).

I went through my old posts and read through my 101 in 1001 list. I laughed at some (go on a motorcycle ride with a stranger…. Did I want to be kidnapped?!) while others I was happy to be able to cross off!  The best one was “fall in love”. I totes did that and it was totes the best. Let me introduce you to the love of my life:

Jacob Louis Barker is 26 years old and was born on July 22. He has a dimple and smile that makes me swoon and a laugh that can make anyone's day a bit brighter. The majority of his wardrobe is some shade of gray. Ice cream and toast are his favorite treats, especially when served with a side of cold cereal. He just started a new hobby of cycling and is going to school (for what is still a bit up in the air) while working. Jake is the most thoughtful man and he is my best friend. His heart is gold and his work ethic is strong. I am madly in love with him and you'll catch us kissing in the kitchen (and the car, and the hall, and basically anywhere. #sorrynotsorry).

As ya’ll know from the past post, I had moved home once I had my mission call and started going to the singles ward. I had a friend come into town and we decided to go to a single's ward trip down to Manti to attend the temple and the pageant. When we pulled up into the parking lot, there was a cute boy with a beard and a truck. We drove down in the same car and I learned that his name was Jake and he wanted to go to school for the same thing as I did--business management undergraduate degree and then off to law school. (That is no longer what I'm going for--bet you aren't shocked! ;) and as mentioned, his plans are less sure now.) Needless to say I was impressed by his ambition and that we'd be doing the same thing! About half way to Manti, mid conversation, he told me that I had beautiful eyes. I tried so hard not to blush and brushed it off as a nice compliment. To make a potentially long story full of silly details a tad bit shorter, it's safe to say that I basically stocked Jake. From stealing glances in the temple, to complimenting his shirt to show a little interest, to getting snow cones. I knew that I liked this boy. I talked a lot about my mission call just to make sure he knew that I had one and so he wouldn't waste his time if he was looking for something serious. It didn't change a thing.  The trip was a blast. I came home and went straight to Jenny to re-dish everything that happened to see if I was reading too much into things. (For the first time in my life I wasn't and everything meant what I thought it did!!)

Our first picture! Presh. 

The following week Jake invited me to an event every night. I was ecstatic but I couldn't go to a single one. To make up for it, I asked him out for the 4th of July. (Little did I know he almost gave up on me, but was planning on asking me out for the 4^th.)

Our first date was amazing. We went shooting, stopped at a ward BBQ, and then ended the night with fireworks. The date was the best date I had ever had and everything felt so natural. I felt like I was spending time with someone who I had known for years. We were able to tease each other, talk about the gospel, and laugh endlessly. I remember thinking that there was no way this was happening, especially since I had a mission call.  I thought, "no one said you can't have fun before you go on a mission!"

By the end of our second date (star-gazing in the back of his truck) I had a feeling we were getting married and I wasn't going on my mission. I was scared and confused for so many reasons. I had never been in love, I was only 21, and I felt so sure about going on a mission! Through a lot of conversations and prayer, Jake was able to assure me he loved me and that he wasn't going anywhere. He told me he loved me three days after we had our first kiss and I told him I loved him a few days later in the Cafe Rio parking lot. As they say, the rest was history. 

It is so important that as we go through our life and ask for guidance we keep the attitude of "thy will be done". If I had been stubborn on going on a mission (which was a good option), I would've missed out on the perfect man for me. Do not be afraid to change your plans! Stay close to Heavenly Father and He will not let you go astray but will oftentimes send you on a path that was better than you could ever imagine.