Anyway, after 13 years you graduate and move on. With the help of Facebook, it keeps that observation still an option. You see them go off to college, battle some unknown demon that has made them seem sad/different/angry online, and come out stronger and glowing because of what they have learned. All of this without speaking a single word to them. They don't know how proud of them you are. They don't know how often you think of them when you struggle. They don't know the impact they have had, simply because you followed them along their journey of finding themselves.
Here is the thing. I find myself looking at those I've "known" for 17ish years and think they are amazing to have gone through whatever it is and come out a better person. Or I read a recent blog post where they admit to having a hard time fighting some new demon and my heart hurts for them. But then I realize I've had the same thoughts and been through similar problems and I like to think I'm better for it. So maybe their heartache isn't terrible! But then I see them give up. I see them think there is something wrong with them. I see them think less of themselves. And this is for you. You who think you are alone in your feelings and experiences.
When I graduated high school and moved to Orem, I was struggling with demons I didn't even know I had. Self-hatred, self-doubt, insecurities, anxiety, depression, general sense of emptiness, etc. These are emotions I went through alone. Well, not alone because I always had the Holy Ghost with me. Even when I was mad at Heavenly Father or not doing what I was supposed to, I knew I could go back and feel better, feel hope.
Anyway, the first year on my own was a blur. A blur filled with all of the emotions listed above. I struggled in school for the first time in my life and it was mostly out of pure lack of motivation and allowing the negative voices in my head win. School was a failure. So I felt like a failure.
Parts of the second year were blissful and such a sunny place in my mind. I had the best summer and was finally making friends and feeling comfortable. (shout out to you Shaila, Carli, Jolie, Ally, and so many more) While the happiness went on, it was quite superficial. I was still having daily struggles with the negativity that seemed to bombard me.
The third year I tried so hard to keep up the happiness even though it was fading. I was struggling with hating myself and struggling to be liked. I wanted to go on a mission because I could now and I wasn't doing anything else really.Then I moved home, got a job that was toxic, and continued to dislike myself. The blur continued.
Then I had a wake up call. I got fired, moved back to Orem, and felt completely alone. At some point in the blur I, intentionally and unintentionally, cut ties. I didn't want to be hurt. I didn't think I deserved friendship. I isolated myself. At this point, I didn't have much. But I had a testimony. I had a family who loved me. And I had a few angels who, despite my pushing and resistance, stayed around and brought me flowers when I needed it most. While I tried to revive some old friendships, they didn't work out for various reasons.
Then I made new friends, had another great summer but the summer ended and we went our separate ways. I moved apartments, started a new job and decided I didn't want to make friends. This was a time of healing. I was alone a lot, I listened to my heart and mind, and I got to know who I really was. I slowly found happiness that was deeper than those things going on around me or the people I was with. It was no longer superficial. I was finally happy with myself, where I was going, and even though I didn't know everything, I gave in to faith and found a true peace. Once that was found, my life made sense, I found my way back to myself and ended up where I am today.
You're doing okay. Keep going. Don't give up. We are all doing okay.
While we may look at others and wonder why they have their crap together and we don't, it's okay. We all go through the same type of experiences. They may be at different times, they may have different outcomes, but we are all growing and trying to find who we are.
In a way I also wanted to use this as a way to apologize to those in my life I cut off, mistreated, or shoved aside during the past four years. I had a friend who said I was selfish. At the time I got defensive and justified my behavior. But oh how right she was. I was so selfish and focused on myself that I treated those around me poorly. I'm so sorry.
I see now that the way of finding yourself isn't done by treating others like crap and putting yourself and your wants first. It's about being patient, being quiet with your mind, put your needs first, and while you may need to take time to be secluded, it doesn't give you a pass for treating people poorly.
So again, I'm sorry. And thank you for always giving me another chance.