Something about me, most of you know this, is that I am very emotional. Now I feel like being emotional has turned into having a negative connotation, one that I'm not a fan of.
Do I cry in Lion King? Yes.
Do I get cranky when it's too hot? Yes.
Can my mood change in an instant? They sure can.
But when I feel any emotion I feel it deeply. So deeply that it takes over my whole being. I've had to learn how to cope when I feel a negative emotion so it doesn't consume me. Through the years I've become a master at knowing how far to let an emotion envelop me.
When I'm happy, when I feel positivity coursing through my vessels* I don't stop it. I don't harness the feeling. I let them wash over me and have the powerful effect that emotions have. It's the same with love. When I love something or someone I can't help but feel like exploding. There was a time in my life that I held back. I was afraid of giving myself a chance to feel an emotion because I didn't know I could control them. But then I realized that's no way to live a life. So I let go.
I remember a moment distinctly that I decided to put my whole heart into my life. I read this:
Up until then I don't think I realized I was living with half a heart. I was embarrassed to feel, laugh, cry, and love. I didn't want to ask for help. The next night Jenner and I went out for some late night hot chocolate and I shared with him my new found information. I told him that's how I was going to live from now on. And I did. And that's been the best decision I've made in regards to my view on life.
*(I didn't use veins or arteries because I just finished anatomy and know that whatever is in my blood goes through both types of vessels and so much more. So I chose the general term. And yes, I've sold my soul to anatomy and using proper anatomic nomenclature. ;) )
This morning I woke up early, enjoyed laying in bed next to the human I love more than anything, took in the beautiful weather while waiting for the train, smiled to the stranger next me, and was grateful for the fact it's not dark when I walk to work anymore. When you fill your life with positive things and focus on what's good rather than what's bad, your day is 2948 times more enjoyable.
During the next month I'm going to do an experiment. I am going to love myself. After my morning prayers I am going to say a daily affirmation about how great I am. (Did I even say that right? Oh well, you know what I mean) This isn't to promote conceit or pride but to work on undoing the years of self-hate I learned at such a young age.
Stay positive and look for the silver lining.