Rambling | Positive Energy

(I wrote this yesterday on my phone during my train ride home. Sorry if it is a bit scattered)

Today I was walking to the train station, something I do every day, and had an experience that kinda shocked me. An older man was behind me and made a comment about an inconsiderate driver. I turned and continued our conversation. As we were about to part ways he said, "ma'am, can I ask a favor? Will you continue to smile? It's such a beautiful smile."

In that moment I was so touched by this kind man's words. I walked toward the platform with tears in my eyes asking, why is it so hard to love yourself? To see the beauty that others see? 

We all have a beauty that is too frequently clouded by our negative thoughts. Those thoughts maybe conscious or you may not recognize the negativity until a stranger offers you a ray of light that clears the fog that has been lingering. 

That's how I feel. I no longer have very many conscious thoughts of self doubt or self loathing. But there seems to be enough subtle negativity that I forget who I am and that I am beautiful. 

The other lesson I walked away with is how quick I am to shut myself off. Usually while on a train or bus you avoid conversation and if you are unfortunate enough to sit by a talker, you shut it down. Fast. My question is why? Everyone has their own reasons I'm sure, but I couldn't think of mine. Unlike some, I love people. I recharge my battery by being around and being involved with people. If I'm having a crappy day I can't sit and watch Netflix or read to feel better. I have to get up and engage in some sort of personal interaction. (Although a good night in with Netflix and a cozy blanket is always appealing.) So knowing that about myself, why deny myself the chance to gain more energy? Why deny myself a chance to connect with someone who could become the highlight of my day? 

Writing things out makes me realize that my current habits may not be the best for me. Such as making myself unavailable for random conversation or consuming large amounts of social media that alter my expectations of "normal". For a quick example, I have a guilty pleasure that seems to be shared with only 12 year old girls. YouTube videos. Lifestyle and beauty YouTube videos to be more exact. Now, there is nothing wrong if that is your thing that helps you recharge your positive energy. But for me, it sucks it out. 

The majority of the people I watch are introverted which means that being by themselves, eating donuts, and taking a bath helps them walk away filled with positive energy. Tidbit about me, I don't enjoy being by myself for long periods of time, sugar makes me grumpy (which SUCKS because I have the biggest sweet tooth), and think taking a bath is a waste of my time. But watching them talk about all these things that make them happy makes me doubt myself. Perhaps I should try that way out and I'll be happier! And then a few days later when I'm being a grumpy gus towards Jake, I remember that I'm not those people on YouTube! And that's not bad or wrong. It doesn't make me an attention seeker or obnoxious. It doesn't mean I should change my energy source or who I am. It just means I am an extrovert and they may not be. 
 

Near the beginning of July, I wrote down the top 5 things that make me happy, make me fill full of positive energy, and help me stay close to my true self.  Did you know that's why I started running? Since implementing that one activity, which crosses off 3 of the 5 things, sometimes 4, I have noticed a huge difference. So I want to ask, what are 5 things that help you recharge your positive energy? Help you feel happy, truly happy? Now compare that list with what your life consists of today and then adjust. 
 

I have been more aware of my energy sources since thinking this way and it has helped me constantly adjust my life to line up with those 5 things. When I forget, I can tell based on my behavior and how I feel. The best part is that I have the power to stop, realign, and move forward! 

I'm grateful for a chance to learn new things about myself and continue to grow and evolve.